Wishing For Friendship

Today I met an old friend for lunch.  Old meaning we lost touch a few years back because of some major changes in her life and we haven’t spoken in years.  She was my best friend, more like a sister to me than a friend.  She was my ‘Sex And The City’ friend.  You know how those 4 girls were the best, most amazing friends?  That was us.  And then her life changed, I couldn’t understand it, said some hurtful things and we ‘split up’.  It was really awful for me, I cried so many tears over the loss of my dear friend.

Fast forward to this past June.  We ran into each other waiting to pick our boys up.  It was just the two of us standing outside, waiting, and so we started to chat.  Just about the weather, how the boys were liking Vacation Bible School, that normal, safe kind of stuff.  Then I took a deep breath and dove in head first.  I told her how sorry I was for being such a shitty friend, for saying what I said during the most challenging, difficult time in her life, for not being there for her when she needed her friends the most.  We both cried, we hugged and she forgave me.  Then she promised we’d get together soon to catch up. 

I left there feeling like a new beginning was starting in our friendship and hoping and praying that we’d be able to get back to the friendship we once had.  Fast forward again.  We went to a movie together a couple months ago with a bunch of my other friends.  We were in a car together, just the 2 of us, for about 30 minutes.  We chatted non-stop, just like the old days, but it felt different.  Strained, I guess.  I wasn’t sure what I could ask her, what topics were now off limits.  It was strange.  Not like the friendship I once knew.  So I thought well hey, we haven’t really talked for a few years, it will take some time, right?

So today I met her for lunch.  This is the first time we’ve met since that movie.  And it was still strange!  We chatted non-stop like before, but it was still weird.  It sucked.  We laughed, we looked like normal friends having lunch together, but it just didn’t feel right.  I don’t know, maybe I’m expecting too much too soon.  But it just isn’t what I was hoping for.  I don’t know when, or if, it will ever get better/easier.  Am I expecting too much? 

I guess I’m just longing for that ‘Sex And The City’ friendship again. With anyone.  I feel so lonely.  I have friends but none like that.  I don’t have one single friend I can just be 100% myself around.  I always feel like I have to be guarded and hold back.  I’m loud, boisterous, bold, brash, over the top.  I have my own, weird sense of humor that only my husband gets.  I don’t even feel that I can be myself around my sister and mom.  I’m lonely.  It sucks.

I get so excited when I see a comment has been posted from one of you.  It comes right to my email inbox and I make myself hold back from responding right away so I don’t look desperate.  I’d love to send a long, chatty email back, trying to get to know you better but am worried you will think I’m weird.  You all have friends, other people to share long, chatty emails with, why would you want to do that with me? 

Ugh, I hate this feeling.  I have nothing but time on my hands to sit here and think about this stuff.  It’s like an infection, getting deeper and deeper in my head until it consumes me and I feel like a big, lonely loser.  I am so sorry to dump this all on you gals, I just needed to get this off my chest.  I have no one to call and talk to about this, besides Andy who doesn’t get it (he’s a man, you  know.).  I guess it’s easier to tell ‘strangers’ than someone I could run into at the store and feel totally embarrassed.  I feel like I am once again mourning the loss of this friend.  I think I need to set the bar a lot lower with this one and just be happy that she’ll speak to me and not turn tail and run when she sees me in the aisles of the grocery store.

I wish you all life-long friendships that bring you joy and companionship.  Everyone deserves that.

Erin