Baby Girl - Week 31

This week I'm going to change it up a bit.  Instead of answering the same questions I've been answering for the past 12 weeks I'm going to break away and share some of my fears with you.  And boy do I have them!

I am a creature of habit and absolutely hate change.  Any little change in my life and my world is totally rocked and I struggle to cope.  Change can be good, I am well aware of this, but that doesn't change the fact that my anxiety goes through the roof and I become a bit of a basket case.  You can image how hard it is for me to bring a brand new baby home then!  Talk about a major change!

With each baby it's gotten a tad easier - I've known what to expect more, I've had experience with newborns so have a few tricks up my sleeve, etc.  But, it is still a major change in our lives.

Aiden, of course, was the hardest one to handle since he was our first.  Add to that no sleep.  Add to that freaking the heck out because all of a sudden I was 100% responsible for this tiny little guy and had no idea what I was doing.  Etc, etc, etc.

Then Brennan.  I remember sitting on the bottom step of the staircase and just hugging Aiden while I cried when we found out we were pregnant.  I told him sorry over and over for having done that to him.  Like it was a bad thing?!?  Sheesh, Erin, pull yourself together!  We were giving Aiden an amazing gift, a sibling!  But at that time I was totally freaked out for him.  I had no reason to worry, Aiden loved and adored Brennan from the get-go and that never let up until they were older and could fight and get on each other's nerves like siblings do.

When I was pregnant with Tate we had all of this fear about him getting Anencephaly like the baby before him.  It was a very scary time for us until all of that was ruled out.  And once I got past that fear, the fear of how Brennan would handle not being the baby anymore came into play.  Yea, he'd had a nice long run of almost 5 years playing that part, but still, he was my Brennie Joe, my little baby boy, and then out of nowhere he wouldn't be anymore!  I cried many tears over that.  But of course, that turned out great, too.

And now, this one.  The baby girl. The last baby.  Poor, sweet little Tatie Tot has only had 21 months of being the baby, only 21 months of getting that special title and treatment.  How will he handle sharing his mommy?  Will he be able to sleep through the baby crying at night? What happens when her and I are in the middle of a marathon nursing session and he needs me?  Or gets hurt?  Or gets into something he shouldn't?  Will they both suffer because I won't be able to give either of them 100% of my attention??  Will I get short with Tate because I'm so tired and can't handle all of my feelings?  It's not fair that he doesn't get to be spoiled as long as the others were.  He's going to feel left out.  He's going to feel rejected.  He's going to grow to resent his baby sister.

Or maybe not?  I pray not.  I know he will adore her, he will shower her with kisses and tractors.  But then he will want some mommy time, some mommy snuggles, and it might be when I'm having to give her all of my attention.  I'm afraid I won't be able to handle this.

Now, I know millions of mommies before me have had children close in age like my last two will be. I know they have all survived, all done well, all learned to adapt, and we won't be any different.  But I still have those fears.  That's what I do.  I worry and fret and fester over things, and then they all seem to turn out just fine.  Great, in fact.

Another fear I have is about the relationship Baby Girl and I will have.  I want that super close, special Mother/Daughter bond and connection that I've always read about.  I want her to call me just because, every day.  I have a million and one dreams planned out for us, but what if none of them come true? What if she isn't a girly girl like me?  What if she doesn't want to go get pedicures while the boys are off hunting? What if she doesn't want me to help her plan her wedding?  What if she doesn't want me to be there when she has her babies?  What if she hates me and leaves me and never wants to have a close relationship with me like I do with her?  What if I annoy her and she hates all of my ideas and we argue all the time?

I have always envisioned a daughter to go shopping with, to make a run to the craft store with, to paint her toe and finger nails with, to be my best friend always and forever.  But what if she doesn't want that back?  I'm afraid I'll smother her with my love and attention and will drive her away.  I am scared of my own daughter's rejection.

One more thing. And this is less of a fear, more a feeling I have.  I keep having this thought in the back of my head that I will go into labor early.  I don't know why, but it's always there.  And I'm not talking a week early, I'm thinking weeks early.  I don't know why this thought is there.  Isn't that weird? (Not like the rest of this post isn't weird, ha!)  Time will tell, but I thought I'd jot that down, just in case it does happen. Then you can all be impressed by my psychic abilities, ha ha!

Next week I'll be back with my normal Week 32 update.  Until then, 60 days or less to go!