Baby Update–Week 23 and It’s A Boy

I have only one month left of my second trimester, folks.  This pregnancy is flying by!!!  4 months to go, how crazy is that? 

So you are probably freaking out by the title – “I thought she wasn’t finding out!”  “What?!? A boy!!!”  Hold your horses, friends, it’s not been confirmed and NO I didn’t find out.  But!  Andy had ‘the dream’ this weekend.  With both boys Andy had a dream about them.  He nailed it, too.  With Aiden his dream was that he was a boy with very long monkey arms and that he was a BIG boy.  Aiden was born a boy (duh), weighing in at 9lbs 1 oz. (huge) and when he was laying in his bassinet at the hospital his arms would stretch out and go up the sides of the warmer because they were so long (monkey arms).  Brennan’s wasn’t quite as descriptive, just that he was a big boy.  Boy? Check.  Big? Check (9 lbs. 1 oz. again).  So this time his dream was that it was ANOTHER BIG BOY (ugh, can’t I just sneeze out a 7 pounder for once??) and that this one’s complexion was what he called ‘normal’.  Aiden was born with a tan and still has one at all times, Brennan is pasty as Casper the Ghost and this baby, in the dreams, was somewhere in between.  Oh, and he has lots of hair (thus the heartburn, I guess).  So there you have it, my dreams of having a girl have ended. 

As for me and how I’m feeling at week 23?  Meh, ok I guess.  For the most part I feel fantastic physically, just had a few aches and pains here and there.  What’s really bothering me is how I’m feeling emotionally.  I’m sad all the time.  I cry all the time.  What is wrong with me?  I’m so happy to be pregnant, so happy to be having a baby, but I just can’t shake this gloomy feeling.  It’s really irritating.  I don’t want to feel this way, I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do.  Add to that how I can’t stop worrying about this baby.  I’m terrified something will happen to it and we’ll have to tell the boys again that they aren’t getting a baby.  That would crush me and them.  I know, according to my appointments and ultrasounds, that this baby is perfectly healthy, but there’s always the chance of something going wrong and I can’t move past that thought.  I am freaking myself out over every little thing.  It’s starting to take over my thoughts.  And because of this constant worry and depression I’m turning into an evil, awful mom who yells and gets mad all the time.  It’s not the boys’ faults that I feel this way, plus they are such good boys so why take it out on them just because they do one little thing that they shouldn’t?  I’m so upset over this whole thing.  I have my next appt. on Monday, I will be talking this over with my dr. for sure.  I can’t do this for the next 4 months, it’s not fair to Andy, the boys, this baby or me.  And poor Andy.  I feel so awful for him.  I am constantly needing him to reassure me that he still loves me, that I don’t gross him out, that he does want to be around me.  I don’t know why I am so freaked out about him.  If he doesn’t hold my hand in the car I jump to the conclusion that he’s grossed out by me.  If he doesn’t give me a million kisses and hugs in the evenings I’m just sure he doesn’t love me anymore.  The man is a saint, and he is trying his hardest to put up with me and my psycho behavior, but I am sure he is close to his breaking point.  Monday, come fast!!! 

Sorry for dumping that on you, I just need to get it off my chest.  I tell Andy everything I am feeling but he doesn’t know what to say to help me anymore.  I’m just at my wit's end with this, I hope my dr. can help me figure this out. 

Erin